The Pig Ponders - No more pity parties!

All my life I have felt like I was missing something. As I child I always believed I was capable of being more, of being great. But I always felt like something was missing in me. I had talent, but I wasn't talented enough... I had drive but I wasn't motivated enough to finish things. I always thought that maybe, just maybe if I had the right upbringing, if I was in the right country & if I had better support I could be something more.

But I was ridiculed for my choices. I was put in the corner because I was different. I've had my share of unsupportive parents, bad romantic relationships, no friends and no emotional support when I faced sexual harassment at the hands of a stranger. I spent a better part of my growing years feeling hurt, lost and angry. But one day I decided to find a place where I belong and leave all of this behind. 

After graduation, I went abroad for further studies. I had finally found my home! "This is it!", I thought, "My new beginning." But a year later I found myself in a position where I had no option but to return. I was crushed. I was going to have to face everything I've ever hated about myself and the world all over again. "Time to crawl back into the dark hole" I mused. I felt like I was dying. A short period of self starvation was quickly followed by months of binge eating and crying. A good friend tried to console me by saying," Just like in a good video game, the protagonist has to go back to the beginning of the story and face his enemy - you've gotta go back to where you started.You have to win the final boss fight on the enemy's turf." 

I can't do this anymore. I am unhappy. Dissatisfied. Disillusioned. Emotionally exhausted. Stuck. Angry and numb. I still hate talking about what happened. It hurts and I feel ashamed that I let myself down. I wish I was some place else. I wish I was in Hollywood trailblazing through meetings, pitching my tv show & attending the Emmys. But I'm not. Sometimes it all just feels like a silly American Dream of a naive little girl. 

But you know what? This is MY DREAM. Whatever it is, however improbable, grand and naive it may be, I will make it happen. In 6 years time I will be living and working in Los Angeles, California. My show will find it's way to prime time tv. I will take it there.

Today I'm making a commitment to myself - NO MORE PITY PARTIES. The tea's gotten cold and the guests are long gone.

I'm going to be 'that-girl-who made-it-in spite of-all-that-was-missing-in-her-life'. I will be that person who made it without the support of her family & peers, but pushed through with the support and love of her very small circle of friends and of course her work. 


Actually to come to think of it, I think I'm already like her. I AM her...Wow.

The Pig Ponders...Writing is hard.

I feel it everyday.. from the time I wake up till late night before I retire to bed after GTA 4 -- The crazy urge to write. Something. Anything!  But every time I begin ( like this moment for instance) my mind fills up with criticism about words that haven't even been written.

The fear of coming across as a pretentious, snotty writer is so over whelming that I haven't written a creative piece of work since I finished school. Very pitiful indeed. But when did I go from an ambitious,  fearless teenager to a whiny, unimaginative adult? I haven't a clue.Perhaps it's the realisation that there are many like me. Many who love writing, who dream about the next chapter in their story, who are better at it than me. Or it's the fact that I've run out of ideas?

Over the years I have come across many reasons why I've lost my flair, but that doesn't seem to cut it. The urge keeps coming back, like a stray dog you once petted. His very presence stirs something in you, but you know you can't keep him. So you try and ignore him till he 'gets' the message.

I miss the writing process though, the hours of day dreaming, writing down a paragraph only to scratch it off, the mood swings, ODing on junk food.. those were the days. I think I'm just going to suck it up and get back to it. How bad a writer could I possibly be? :@)

Hello there!

I'm a little piggie, short and stout. I have love handles and a cuddly snout.
You can pet me and earn some good karma Pet Society style. Just be gentle. Non-vegetarians welcome.