All my life I have felt like I was missing something. As I child I always believed I was capable of being more, of being great. But I always felt like something was missing in me. I had talent, but I wasn't talented enough... I had drive but I wasn't motivated enough to finish things. I always thought that maybe, just maybe if I had the right upbringing, if I was in the right country & if I had better support I could be something more.
But I was ridiculed for my choices. I was put in the corner because I was different. I've had my share of unsupportive parents, bad romantic relationships, no friends and no emotional support when I faced sexual harassment at the hands of a stranger. I spent a better part of my growing years feeling hurt, lost and angry. But one day I decided to find a place where I belong and leave all of this behind.
After graduation, I went abroad for further studies. I had finally found my home! "This is it!", I thought, "My new beginning." But a year later I found myself in a position where I had no option but to return. I was crushed. I was going to have to face everything I've ever hated about myself and the world all over again. "Time to crawl back into the dark hole" I mused. I felt like I was dying. A short period of self starvation was quickly followed by months of binge eating and crying. A good friend tried to console me by saying," Just like in a good video game, the protagonist has to go back to the beginning of the story and face his enemy - you've gotta go back to where you started.You have to win the final boss fight on the enemy's turf."
I can't do this anymore. I am unhappy. Dissatisfied. Disillusioned. Emotionally exhausted. Stuck. Angry and numb. I still hate talking about what happened. It hurts and I feel ashamed that I let myself down. I wish I was some place else. I wish I was in Hollywood trailblazing through meetings, pitching my tv show & attending the Emmys. But I'm not. Sometimes it all just feels like a silly American Dream of a naive little girl.
But you know what? This is MY DREAM. Whatever it is, however improbable, grand and naive it may be, I will make it happen. In 6 years time I will be living and working in Los Angeles, California. My show will find it's way to prime time tv. I will take it there.
Today I'm making a commitment to myself - NO MORE PITY PARTIES. The tea's gotten cold and the guests are long gone.
I'm going to be 'that-girl-who made-it-in spite of-all-that-was-missing-in-her-life'. I will be that person who made it without the support of her family & peers, but pushed through with the support and love of her very small circle of friends and of course her work.
Actually to come to think of it, I think I'm already like her. I AM her...Wow.
But I was ridiculed for my choices. I was put in the corner because I was different. I've had my share of unsupportive parents, bad romantic relationships, no friends and no emotional support when I faced sexual harassment at the hands of a stranger. I spent a better part of my growing years feeling hurt, lost and angry. But one day I decided to find a place where I belong and leave all of this behind.
After graduation, I went abroad for further studies. I had finally found my home! "This is it!", I thought, "My new beginning." But a year later I found myself in a position where I had no option but to return. I was crushed. I was going to have to face everything I've ever hated about myself and the world all over again. "Time to crawl back into the dark hole" I mused. I felt like I was dying. A short period of self starvation was quickly followed by months of binge eating and crying. A good friend tried to console me by saying," Just like in a good video game, the protagonist has to go back to the beginning of the story and face his enemy - you've gotta go back to where you started.You have to win the final boss fight on the enemy's turf."
I can't do this anymore. I am unhappy. Dissatisfied. Disillusioned. Emotionally exhausted. Stuck. Angry and numb. I still hate talking about what happened. It hurts and I feel ashamed that I let myself down. I wish I was some place else. I wish I was in Hollywood trailblazing through meetings, pitching my tv show & attending the Emmys. But I'm not. Sometimes it all just feels like a silly American Dream of a naive little girl.
But you know what? This is MY DREAM. Whatever it is, however improbable, grand and naive it may be, I will make it happen. In 6 years time I will be living and working in Los Angeles, California. My show will find it's way to prime time tv. I will take it there.
Today I'm making a commitment to myself - NO MORE PITY PARTIES. The tea's gotten cold and the guests are long gone.
I'm going to be 'that-girl-who made-it-in spite of-all-that-was-missing-in-her-life'. I will be that person who made it without the support of her family & peers, but pushed through with the support and love of her very small circle of friends and of course her work.
Actually to come to think of it, I think I'm already like her. I AM her...Wow.
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